new tactics

From today's New York Times:

"It took us a couple of days because I like to know what I’m talking about before I speak."

PRESIDENT OBAMA, defending his decision to wait a few days before expressing anger over bonuses paid to executives of the insurance giant A.I.G.

see it in context here

Today's meeting was helpful and interesting. I have to admit I arrived very tired- I will try to stop doing that. Still, it was exciting for me to see everyone's work take shape, to be let in on the conversations and incremental developments. The concern and hope I heard in their voices as they talked about their babies was inspiring. I thought to myself, I want that, what they have. I want that light in my eyes.

When it was my turn to divulge I talked about my blockage in writing more words. That's all they are right now, just words. I tried to touch on my anxiety and dread, my fear and love of not knowing, the worries of indulging, without really confronting, the aimless and formless in myself. I wish I could will away the feeling of emptiness in me when I try to see into the future of my thesis. I wish I could stop trying to see into the future of my thesis. How do I revel in the void? Chase the ether? Maybe I'm just no fun. Maybe I'm incapable of playing.

The opening quotation seems appropriate for me... For my situation now, and for me as I've always been- and perhaps as I'm doomed to always be. It's definitely something I struggle with in many ways. I should write on my fridge - You are not the President of the United States. You really don't have to pretend to know what you're talking about.

I mean, even if I think I like to know what I'm talking about, it's not getting me anywhere. And I need to go somewhere, anywhere, fast. My undercover task for the next two weeks: enjoy freedom of not knowing. Admitting to it is one thing, enjoying it is a whole other animal. (Wow, this last bit sounds too much like Free Will Astrology... could this just be my horoscope from last week? I'm checking now.)